Welcome to the internet's premier destination for absolutely nothing useful whatsoever. Scroll down. You won't regret it. (You will regret it.)
These are the 10 things. They are random. You're welcome.
Introducing the Omnibus Thingamajig 3000 Pro Ultra Plus™ — the revolutionary product that has changed the lives of millions of people who may or may not exist. Made from 100% genuine materials that were sourced from places. Assembled by hands. Shipped in a box. This is real.
As promised. 47 times.
The Omnibus Thingamajig 3000 Pro Ultra Plus™ utilizes a proprietary blend of quantum-adjacent synergy matrices to deliver unprecedented levels of vibrational coherence directly to your bio-energetic field lattice.
Our team of 37 scientists (some of whom have degrees in things) spent 14 years in a lab that smelled like cinnamon developing the core thingamajigular technology that powers every unit. The lab was in a garage. The garage was in New Jersey. We don't talk about New Jersey.
Each Thingamajig is individually calibrated using a process we call "The Process" — a 47-step procedure that involves moonlight, the sound of a disappointed parent, and exactly 3.7 ounces of concentrated ambiguity. The result is a product that is, by all measurable metrics, a product.
Independent testing by the Global Institute for Thingamajig Research (GITR) confirmed that 94% of test subjects "experienced something" after using the product. The remaining 6% were not available for comment. We assume they are fine. We have not checked.
Ingredients:
Instructions:
*Pairs well with: silence, confusion, and the Omnibus Thingamajig 3000 Pro Ultra Plus™
These videos are 100% relevant to your purchase decision.
*Results may vary. By "may vary" we mean "will definitely vary." By "vary" we mean "not happen."
*"Verified Purchaser" means we verified that these are words written by people (or entities claiming to be people). We did not verify the contents of the testimonials, the existence of the reviewers, the accuracy of any claims made, or whether any of these individuals are real. Gerald T. Bumbleton III may be a pseudonym. The cat cannot legally provide a testimonial.
Recent studies published in the Journal of Things We Thought About (Vol. 7, Issue "We Lost Count") suggest that the thingamajigular resonance field generated by the Omnibus Thingamajig 3000 Pro Ultra Plus™ may interact with the human bio-energetic lattice in ways that are, at minimum, not impossible.
The lead researcher, Dr. Cornelius Flabbergast, stated in a press release that "the data suggests something, and that something is potentially significant or possibly not significant at all, depending on how you define significance, which we have chosen not to define at this time in order to preserve the integrity of the ambiguity."
The study involved 847 participants, of whom 94% reported "experiencing something" and 6% reported "not experiencing something, but in a way that felt meaningful." The control group was not told they were the control group. The control group still doesn't know. Please don't tell them.
Furthermore, the Thingamajig has been shown to be 37% more effective than doing nothing, which is remarkable because doing nothing is free. This means the Thingamajig provides 37% of value above free, which is, technically, value. You cannot argue with this math. We have checked. The math is unchallengeable.
When mild-mannered accountant Dave Blandsworth (played by an actor) discovers that the cheese in his refrigerator has been sentient for the past 11 years, he must navigate a world where dairy products have opinions, feelings, and — most terrifyingly — opinions about his feelings.
The cheese (voiced by a celebrity we cannot name for legal reasons) reveals that it has been watching Dave make "suboptimal life choices" since 2012 and has "notes." Dave, initially resistant, comes to understand that the cheese — a mature cheddar named Gerald — has been his most consistent companion through three failed relationships, two career changes, and one deeply regrettable haircut.
In the climactic third act, Dave must choose between a promotion that would require him to move to Denver (where Gerald cannot survive due to altitude) and staying in his apartment with his sentient cheese best friend. The film ends ambiguously. Gerald may or may not have been real. Dave may or may not have been real. The cheese was definitely real. The cheese is always real.
Rated PG-13 for "mild dairy peril, one instance of cheese-related profanity, and a scene involving brie that parents may find disturbing." Runtime: 2 hours, 7 minutes. Available nowhere.
Cells stretch forever
VLOOKUP fails once again
Excel has no soul
I bought the thing once
It arrived in a brown box
The box was also brown
Scroll down forever
There is no end to this page
You chose this yourself
Follow these directions. Arrive nowhere. Enjoy the journey.
🧭 Head North until you feel slightly confused
↩️ Turn left at the second feeling of déjà vu
⬆️ Continue straight through the roundabout of mild regret
🏁 You have arrived. There is nothing here. There is a gift shop. The gift shop sells Thingamajigs.
Every Omnibus Thingamajig 3000 Pro Ultra Plus™ ships in our signature Proprietary Containment Vessel (a box). Inside the box, you will find:
The box itself is not included in the price. The box is extra. The box costs more than the Thingamajig. This is standard industry practice. We checked. We checked.
(All signs. All of them. This applies to you specifically.)
⭐ ARIES through PISCES: Mercury is doing something. It is probably retrograde. Even if it isn't, let's say it is. This explains everything that has gone wrong recently. It also explains why you are on this website. The stars have guided you here. The stars want you to buy the Thingamajig.
🌙 Your lucky numbers: -4, 7,432,891, and the number you're thinking of right now. Yes, that one.
☀️ Your lucky color: The feeling of forgetting something important. Also beige, but a weird beige. Not a normal beige. You'll know it when you see it.
🌟 This week's advice: Avoid Tuesdays. If today is Tuesday, it is too late. You are already in a Tuesday. Proceed with caution. The Thingamajig may help. We cannot confirm this. We are not astrologers. We are a website.
THINGAMAJIG_CORE: ONLINE ✓
QUANTUM_SYNERGY_MODULE: RUNNING ✓
MOIST_COUNTER: 47 ✓
GERALD_THE_CHEESE: SENTIENT ✓
VOID_CONNECTION: ESTABLISHED ✓
CUSTOMER_SATISFACTION: [LOADING...] ⟳
REFUND_MODULE: NOT_FOUND ✗
COMMON_SENSE: NOT_FOUND ✗
LOGIC: DEPRECATED ✗
MERCURY_RETROGRADE: TRUE ✓
INVISIBLE_SOUP: READY ✓
MAP_TO_NOWHERE: RECALCULATING... ⟳
HOROSCOPE_ACCURACY: 0.0% ✓
WEBSITE_QUALITY: SUBJECTIVE ✓
ERROR_COUNT: [REDACTED]
STATUS: ALL SYSTEMS NOMINAL (DEFINITION OF NOMINAL PENDING)
We are so confident in the Omnibus Thingamajig 3000 Pro Ultra Plus™ that we offer a 30-day money-back guarantee. Simply return the product in its original condition, in its original box, with all original contents, including the gravel, the fortune cookie (uneaten), and the mysterious extra item (which you must identify and return, even though we don't know what it is).
*Guarantee valid only on days ending in "y" that fall in months containing the letter "r" during years divisible by 7 in jurisdictions where guarantees are legally recognized by the Institute of Things We Made Up. Refund issued as store credit redeemable only for additional Thingamajigs. Store credit expires immediately upon issuance. "Money back" refers to a different money, not your money. Your money is gone. We're sorry. We're not sorry.
We ran out of things to say so here are more videos.
Dear Valued Future Customer,
My name is Bartholomew J. Thingsworth, and I founded this company in a moment of clarity that I have not been able to replicate since. It was a Tuesday. I was eating a sandwich. The sandwich was fine. The sandwich did not inspire me. The sandwich is not relevant to this story.
What inspired me was a dream I had in which a large floating cheese (I now believe this was Gerald, before I knew Gerald was real) told me that the world needed a product that was "something." Not "something specific." Just "something." I woke up, wrote "make something" on a napkin, and the Omnibus Thingamajig 3000 Pro Ultra Plus™ was born.
It took some years to develop. It cost a number of dollars. We hired several people. Some of them are still here. Others have moved on to pursue other opportunities, specifically the opportunity to not work here. We wish them well.
Today, I am proud to offer you the product that the cheese in my dream told me to make. I believe in it. I believe in you. I believe in the cheese. Buy the Thingamajig.
Warmly (and moistly),
Bartholomew J. Thingsworth
Founder, CEO, Chief Thingamajig Officer, and Part-time Cheese Communicator
Q: What does it do?
A: It does the thing. You know the thing. The thing you need done. That thing. If you don't know what thing you need done, the Thingamajig will help you identify it. This is called "Thingamajigular Revelation" and it is covered in Chapter 7 of the instruction manual (written in our invented language).
Q: Is it safe?
A: The Thingamajig has not been proven to be unsafe. It has also not been tested for safety. These are different statements. We have chosen to focus on the first one. Keep away from children, pets, open flames, the void, and Tuesdays.
Q: How long does shipping take?
A: Shipping takes between 3 days and the heat death of the universe. Most orders arrive somewhere in that range. We use a carrier we call "The Conveyance" and we do not ask questions about their methods. Your package will arrive. Probably. The fortune cookie said so.
Q: Can I return it?
A: Please see our guarantee section above. Also, no.
Q: Is Gerald the cheese real?
A: Gerald is as real as you need him to be. Gerald does not answer this question directly. Gerald has asked us to stop answering questions on his behalf. We are respecting Gerald's wishes by answering this question on his behalf one final time.
⚠️ WARNING ⚠️
People who do NOT purchase the Omnibus Thingamajig 3000 Pro Ultra Plus™ will continue to live their lives without it. Studies show this is technically possible but deeply suboptimal according to metrics we have defined specifically to make this statement true.
👇 SCROLL DOWN TO BUY NOW 👇
You have scrolled a very long way. You have read about shoes that look like hot dogs, sentient cheese, invisible soup, and a map to nowhere. You have seen the word "moist" forty-seven times. You have watched videos. You have read testimonials from people who may or may not exist. You have been told your horoscope is bad.
And yet. Here you are.
This says something about you. We're not sure what. The Thingamajig might know. The Thingamajig knows things.
The button is below. It is large. It is colorful. It will open a new tab. That tab contains your destiny. Or a video. Possibly both.
+ FREE SHIPPING* + FREE GRAVEL + FREE FORTUNE COOKIE
*Free shipping not included. Gravel sold separately. Fortune cookie may contain actual fortune or existential dread. Price shown is in a currency we invented. Actual price may vary. By "vary" we mean "be different." By "be different" we mean "be more." By "be more" we mean "significantly more." The Omnibus Thingamajig 3000 Pro Ultra Plus™ is not responsible for any outcomes, including but not limited to: satisfaction, dissatisfaction, the void, Gerald, Tuesdays, or the continued existence of Mercury in retrograde.
🌀 BUY NOW 🌀By clicking "BUY NOW" you agree to our Terms of Service, Privacy Policy, Cookie Policy, Cheese Policy, Void Policy, and the understanding that this button opens a new browser tab that contains something. We know what it is. You will find out. It is a surprise. It is not a surprise. It is exactly what you expect. Or is it? (It is.)